


hang in there and it'll all pass

by orangefriday



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 20:05:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18373145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangefriday/pseuds/orangefriday
Summary: "Nico always remembers this chance meeting eventually, even when he sometimes forgets everything else. It’s one of the many encounters between them that makes Nico believe in fate, even if it’s a cruel one."Nico's life has come crumbling down, but it's okay. He's fine.





	1. Prologue

The first time they meet, Nico doesn’t realize it’s Levi until years later. The library was full and desks were hard to come by. Midterms had herded every student on campus to the confines of this hell with towers of academia text. Nico was here for a few days to scope out Seattle for Link and decided to fit in some studying.  

“Hey,” he had greeted a boy with glasses who was face deep in a sea of papers and open books. “Can I sit here?”

The boy had looked up at Nico, glasses slipping down his nose and mouth open in a face of momentary confusion. Nico remembers laughing internally at Levi, feeling sorry for the dude with the big mossy coloured eyes. No doubt Levi was inwardly panicking about the amount of shit he was having to learn in such a short amount of time.

“Huh?” He had adjusted his glasses, swallowed, and Nico could almost visibly see the gears begin to churn in Levi’s brain as he slowly crawled out of what looked like a pharmacology textbook. “Oh, yeah. Sure.”

Levi had gone right back to studying, didn’t move his mess to make space for Nico but that was okay. Nico sat down and just watched Levi for a minute. Noted the perspiration on his forehead, the jittery fingers that flipped through pages of text and the frantic jotting down of  notes in the margins. The years that follow, Nico adopts writing in the margins too, sometimes vaguely remembering the wide-eyed boy in the library that started this habit of his.

Eventually, Nico awkwardly settled around Levi’s chaos and built his own. They’re together in that stale-aired library for hours and the only interaction they had consisted of watching over each other’s things as they took turns using the washroom.

Time passed unknowingly outside.

More time passed and this insignificant moment in both their lives went mostly unnoticed, almost forgotten. Levi tells him later he’s erased most of his final year of med school completely from his memory just because of how traumatizing it all was. But he remembers Nico, he says. Remembers him as the guy that stared at him for too long to a point where he started to sweat. Nico laughs because Levi still sweats a little now when he stares.

Nico always remembers this chance meeting eventually, even when he sometimes forgets everything else. It’s one of the many encounters between them that makes Nico believe in fate, even if it’s a cruel one. 

* * *

The next time Nico sees Levi again is just a few days before his second year of his fellowship program. He had followed Link from sunny Venice Beach to rainy Seattle. And had just come out of an on-again, off-again relationship. It was over then and Nico had been relieved because that meant he could finally  _focus_. So much of his energy had been spent trying to make things work and convincing himself that it was all worth the struggle.

“Ugh, I’m so glad that’s over. I couldn’t stand hearing him call you his  _friend_  one more time,” Link had said to him over drinks at a bar across the hospital. “You deserve better.”

“Yeah,” Nico said absentmindedly, taking a swig of his beer and leaning his back against the bar counter. He took in the scene, watched a drunken group of four play terribly at darts. The one with glasses had almost thrown one at someone’s head but the blonde haired girl with a pony tail wrestled the weapon out of the guy’s fingers.

“But hey, I have a feeling you’ll meet someone real special here.” Link’s hand had been heavy and tight on his shoulder much like the relationship he had basically run away from. Nico wasn’t proud of it but he had done it. Moved cities without a proper goodbye.

But it had felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. He could finally breathe.

* * *

Nico hadn't known what had come over him then. But he had gone with it. He wasn’t in LA anymore and this perpetually raining city with grey skies and lightning storms was all new to him. It was so different from the clear blue Californian skies and smokey horizons. Maybe it was the lack of vitamin D and his bones were thirsting for calcium that made him do what he did. Or it might’ve been the adrenaline rushing through his veins as he drilled bone or the way Levi’s gaze, curious and almost magnetic, had wavered between what was happening in the field and Nico’s own.

It was a hesitant, almost coy look that Nico doesn’t forget for a long time and which drives him to do what he had done then. At the time, he hadn’t thought what any of it could mean or what any of it would come to. It must be something in the water that makes Nico act so abruptly.

He just did it:  _winked_  at Levi, and from then on, wasn’t able to keep his eyes off of him.

But Nico hadn't let his mind wander too far. Didn’t let himself dwell on those ideas and wants. It wasn’t something he would usually do; flirt so blatantly and without thought. He had just let his body do whatever it wanted. Nico remembers that his excuse was always,  _This is all new. You can be whoever you want here. No one knows who you are._

“Do you have a boyfriend?” The words had left his lips on their own accord. Nico had acted cool, leaned into the couch, and cocked his head to the side as he watched Levi’s nervous reaction.

Inside though, Nico couldn’t believe he was being so damn reckless.

He’ll have these thoughts again in the elevator. He had asked Levi how he felt, “With ortho”, he had clarified. And the way Levi had looked up at him, those green eyes —  _mossy,_ Nico recalls _—_ wide and painfully and unashamedly open with what Nico thought was the same thing he had so desperately wanted then. His fingers had itched to touch Levi and his chest filled up with some type of suffocating excitement and desire to  _kiss_  him.

But he didn’t.

He just squished that feeling down to the pit of his being. Had turned around and pressed the button to his floor. Taken a shaking breath and willed himself back into control. And as the elevator went down, so did the thoughts.

He’d find another chance, he had thought. Now wasn’t the time.

He had all the time in the world, didn’t he?


	2. One

“Are you sure?” Nadia’s voice is skeptical over the phone.

“Morning, noona,” he says to his sister, phone between his cheek and shoulder and fingers tapping on the tablet.

“One hundred percent, you sure?”

“About what?” Nico knows full well what she’s talking about. He just doesn’t to answer her.

She doesn’t appreciate his sarcasm. “That the sky is blue and water is clear — what the hell do you think I’m talking about, Nico?”

Nico sighs. “It explains… things,” he says reluctantly. Mrs. Colleen’s labs were back. Blood work looked great. And her rads were perfect. She could be discharged today.

“Like what happened a few weeks ago?” Nico doesn’t answer her again. She goes on, “How are you  _not_ freaking out right now”

“I don’t know,” he says lamely.

“ _Nico_.”

“What?”

She huffs on the other line. “I mean, how much can you trust these tests that they do? Maybe eomma’s onto something. Not that I believe in her Eastern voodoo hoopla shit but you never know.”

Nico scoffs. “Unless eomma can do better than an MRI then sure.” Trust Nadia to remain relatively calm in these types of situations. It’s why he lets her know first out of everyone else in his family. “I’ve done all the tests. They—”

He can’t bear to finish the thought.

His intern shows up then, this scared thing with a baby face and long gangly limbs. He’s almost as tall as Nico but his glasses, they remind him of someone and he finds himself smiling at the intern despite the conversation he wishes he wasn’t in. The intern looks confused but returns the smile albeit a little hesitant and cautious, waiting for Nico to finish. “Get Ava Colleen’s discharge papers ready, Dr. Sullivan.”

The intern nods and goes on his way.

“You’re working? Are you sure you should be right now? Maybe you should just take a longer break or go do something else for a while. I know you’re a big hot shot now but—”

“Nadia,” Nico warns. He hears her sigh. “It’s fine. I’ve taken too much time off already.”

“I know. But,” she says her next words more gravely, “Can you even operate?”

He doesn’t answer her right away and taps around the tablet absentmindedly, opening and closing Mrs. Colleen’s labs.

Nadia seems to take his silence as an answer.

“I’m sorry, little bro. I know how much you love to play with your toys.” Nadia’s way of lightening the mood doesn’t work and they both know it. There’s some shuffling on her end and Nico hears a door close. “Nico, you know that I love you, right? More than I even love my own twin brother and we’ve got this weird telepathic, empathic, _whatever,_  thing going on all the time.”

“Yes, I know, noona.”

Nadia’s quiet too for a moment and Nico uses this time to steady himself against the counter and wills for his world to still. It’s nothing, he tells himself in his head, this temporary moment of blurriness, but deep down he knows this isn’t good. It takes a bit but when his vision steadies, he spots a familiar figure walking up the hall. Dark blue scrubs under his white coat and glasses reflecting the rare white morning sun that sneaks through the blinds.

And Nico’s smiling again, even bigger when Dr. Schmitt gives him a wave before entering a patient’s room. It's been six years since Nico started at Grey-Sloan and he's settled in quite well. Aside from Link and a few guys he’s had one or two dates with, Schmitt is probably the closest thing he has to a friend. Sometimes the two of them eat lunch and work on patients together or run into each other at Joe's after a gruelling shift but that’s usually the extent of it. Nico had imagined, in the past, of more but it’s been years and Schmitt’s now just a soft spot in a world where he fixes the strongest parts of the body.

Nadia’s saying something but Nico only catches the tail end of it. “— find time for yourself. Process everything. You and I both do this, you know, bury our heads —”

“Sorry, Nadia. I’ve got to go. Emergency page,” he lies, not wanting to hear it but knowing full well what his sister was trying to get at. “We’ll talk later, okay?”

“Nico, wait, I —” but he’s already hung up and finds himself looking into the room Schmitt had entered. The attending is going over something with his patient, cracking some lame joke probably and laughing. Nico watches for a bit. Maybe a bit too long because Schmitt sees him and raises his eyebrows in question. He’s caught, he realizes, but just clears his throat and gives another curt nod before turning around.

 _Smooth_ , he thinks.

Sullivan appears again, a skip to his step and hands him a clipboard with the discharge papers. He says something about being happy to be on Nico’s service again but Nico’s not really listening. The intern’s too happy and Nico isn’t anymore. He thinks Sullivan takes the hint when his smile dissipates immediately, replaced by the fear all interns wear on their faces.

Nico’s a little too grumpy for the rest of the morning. The conversation with Nadia running through his head for the majority of it. He receives a few texts but ignores them all. They’re most likely all from his sister. Nothing important and none he’ll respond to.

So far, only a handful of people know. And he wonders if he can get away with only those few knowing about it all. He supposes Link has to know and he hopes his mentor already does because of Shepherd. The chief already knows, had cleared him to work and all. And he’s sure his brother and other sister will know pretty soon. His parents he’ll have to tell. Although nothing can be kept secret within the Kim siblings, he knows they’ll wait for him so they can tell their parents together. It’s what they did when Nico and Nadia came out, when Jun-ho failed his LSATS the first time, and when Yunjae wanted to move out.

He thinks about how he should say it. He hasn’t been able to even say it to himself. Maybe Nadia will talk for him. He stops himself from imagining his mother’s sad eyes and his dad’s contained concerned masked as anger. The only way he was able to tell Nadia was through a vague email he had sent that morning. (“That’s a long time, little bro,” she would tell him partly sad and partly angry later. “Promise you won’t keep something like this to yourself for this long again.” It takes time but he does eventually fulfill that promise.) He had sent a copy of his scans to her with no subject line, just an attachment with the possible diagnosis in the comments and a “I saw a neurologist” in the body. She had called him exactly twelve minutes after his e-mail. In that twelve minutes, she was probably googling and trying to make sense of what the hell he had just sent her out of the blue.

It’s been almost three weeks since his diagnosis and he’s still trying to come to terms with it himself.

It doesn’t help that he’s so goddamn tired.

“Hey.” A voice breaks Nico out of his thoughts.It’s lunch and the cafeteria is full. Nico doesn’t know why he always takes his lunches right on the dot. He spends too much time in line and not enough actually eating.

It’s Schmitt. He’s holding a tupperware container of what looks like chicken soup, obviously too hot because he all but throws it down on the table before sitting down in front of Nico.

“Haven’t seen you in a while. I was scared you finally realized how shitty Seattle is.” Schmitt smiles wide at Nico who laughs and carefully pries off the lid of his container. Nico thinks Schmitt's gotten taller since his intern years. Maybe it's the self-confidence now that holds the shorter man a little higher.

“You make that?” Nico asks. It smells as good as it looks. Much better than the soggy salad and sandwich Nico’s trying to get down. The steam from the soup fogs up Schmitt’s glasses so he has to look at Nico from over them.

“Nah, my mom made it. She found a slow cooker on sale and she brought over a whole pot of it. I’m starting to get sick of it but —” He shrugs, doesn’t finish his sentence, and scoops up a spoonful. “Want some?”

Schmitt’s holding out his spoon for Nico. He doesn’t know if he’s supposed to take the utensil with his hand and risk spilling everything on the table or if he should just —

Nico takes the whole spoon in his mouth. Schmitt stares at Nico, eyes focused on his lips.

 _Fuck_. He’s made it awkward.

He moves his mouth off the spoon and swallows. Doesn’t even taste it because it’s too hot and Nico fights the tears that well up in his eyes. “It’s good,” he manages. And Schmitt seems to snap out of it and is satisfied at Nico’s answer.

“Well, let me know if you want a batch. I’ve got loads.”

“Sure.”

“Great.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Schmitt smiles again and stuffs the same spoon in his mouth. He’s always smiling, it seems. It makes Nico slightly uncomfortable but it’s also weirdly intoxicating.

“Where were you, by the way?” Schmitt asks, twirling his spoon around his soup and focussing a little too hard on it. He’s trying to seem nonchalant about Nico basically disappearing for a month. It almost makes Nico laugh out loud.

“You missed me?” he teases, enjoying Schmitt’s nervous reaction.

“ _No_ ,” Schmitt scoffs and his glaze flickers up at Nico who’s smiling something wicked. “I-I’m just wondering, that’s all.”

Nico hums, acting convinced. “That’s too bad. I’ve missed our little lunch dates.”

Schmitt almost chokes on his soup, but coughs it out.

Nico laughs and pats the other man on the back. It’s fun. This  _thing_  Schmitt and him have going on. They never talk about it, just sort of dance around it all and flirt with each other almost relentlessly sometimes. The only time he’s ever heard Schmitt say anything about it was with Helm and she seemed totally convinced Nico was asking Schmitt out on a date. And Schmitt was totally convinced Nico wasn’t.

Schmitt, flustered, attempts to change the subject and forgets Nico hasn’t answered his question. “Hey, so Taryn and I got this crazy cool case last week. Here, l gotta show you. I took pictures, but don’t tell Casey. He made me swear not to but only because Dr. Pierce said so. That guy will listen to anything that woman tells him to do.”

He shows Nico a series of images, all of them Nico doesn’t really recall or concentrate enough to understand what he’s looking at. He has an inkling that it’s definitely something medically extraordinary and if this was just an ordinary day, he might’ve been been interested but Nico’s been finding it hard to focus and his mind these days likes to wander tirelessly away from him.

He’s wondering what might’ve happened if he had done more than bought Levi a drink that very first week they met. Or had actually known Levi was a little slow and a little dense when it came to reading signals. Or what if he had kissed Levi then, in the elevator?

What would’ve happened?

Would it all have still lead him to now? To here? To this moment?

To him having to be like  _this?_ Is this all some sort of punishment for something he’s done or failed to do?

Somehow, suddenly, Levi’s face is so close to his. So close he notices for the first time the freckles on the bridge of Levi’s nose.  
  
Levi’s staring, he realizes.

“Nico?”He’s right beside Nico but he sounds so far away. It confuses him. “Is everything okay?”

 _Is_  everything okay?

 _Will_  everything be okay?

Is  _he_  okay?

His body’s betrayed him, after all.

“No.”

 _What the hell, Kim_?

“Nico?” Schmitt’s voice is suddenly  _there_. The imaginary distance is gone and the volume is jarring. All the sounds of the cafeteria seem to come all at once at Nico.

_Fuck. Did he say that out loud?_

Then their pagers go off. The beeping is both alarming and relieving. Nico thanks whatever entity was in charge of his pathetic existence for saving him from the awkward conversation he was getting himself into. Mercy exists after all, he thinks.

“Multiple MVAs,” Nico informs and gets up a little too eagerly. They’re not interns anymore. There’s no need to rush. But Schmitt gets up too, the concern on his face earlier replaced with the overwhelming need to  _doctor._  A need they all have in the very core of their being as surgeons.

Schmitt’s practically stepping on his heels as they head for the trauma pit, lunch left behind them.

Nico only hopes Schmitt forgets what he’s said like how he forgets his chicken soup on the table.

* * *

Schmitt is far from the bumbly intern he was four years ago. Everyone was surprised Glasses/Bloodbank/Will-Faint-At-The-Sight-Of-His-Own-Blood Levi Schmitt was going to one day become the driving force and powerhouse of Trauma. Nico watches the trauma surgeon efficiently and effectively triage the patients pouring into the pit, subbing in for Altman who’s off for the day. Hunt’s nearby, but he seems comfortable letting Schmitt call the shots. Pretty soon, Schmitt will be running trauma all on his own.

Nico has always hoped to be there when that day comes.

“I’ve got a possible C-Spine trauma in room two,” Schmitt informs the room.

“I’ve got it,” Nico says. He starts walking toward that direction, Sullivan ahead of him, but a hand on his arm stops him.

It’s Schmitt again. A wordless question on his face and Nico answers it.  

“It’s fine,” he says it a little too sharp as he shrugs Schmitt’s hand off. “I’m fine,” he says again, more reassuringly this time and the other doctor nods. Nico sprints towards room two. It’s a short distance but it winds Nico. It’s a good thing Sullivan’s already there, assessing the patient.

“What’s her status?” Nico asks sucking in a much needed breath.

“Holly Davidson, female, twenty-seven, vehicle rolled over. Heart rate at one-thirty. BP in the hundreds. Leg weakness on exam. Bruising and tenderness in the abdomen.”

“Okay, get me a portable ultrasound. Check for free fluid in the chest and abdomen and get her ready for an MRI once we’ve made sure everything’s clear.” He takes in the room, notes Holly’s elevated breaths and pale colouring. But she’s aware and following him with her eyes. Panicked and frightened but conscious. Probably in shock. He listens to her racing heart for a moment. “Hey Holly. I’m Dr. Kim. How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” she says, weakly. A fair response. One he’s used a few times before.

“Not what you planned for lunch, am I right?” Nico tries, hoping it eases his patient.

Holly’s face is still stone-cold but she responds. “No. I was going to buy bird food. For my mom. She feeds the birds in her yard. But the squirrel eats most of it.”

“Well, I better get you fixed so you can feed your pet squirrel.” Holly manages a watery smile. Nico touches her leg gingerly. “Can you feel this?”

“I think so.” Her eyes are welling up with tears now. “I guess my mom can’t feed her birds today. Can you tell her that?”

“Of course, Holly.” Nico says quietly, thinking how he should comfort her. But one look at her tearful face just makes him choke. So he looks at Sullivan instead who’s probing Holly’s stomach. The intern gives him the all clear. He clears his throat and addresses Sullivan. “And why are we skipping radiographs, Dr. Sullivan?”

“She could have a spinal injury and getting an MRI could minimize any further trauma. Plus it would show us if there are any internal injuries and exactly what the fractures look like, if any.”

“And she’s stable so we have time for one,” Nico finishes. “Good job, Sullivan. Okay, Holly. I need you to keep still. We’re going to get you up a couple floors for some imaging.”

“My mom?” Holly asks again. “Can you call her? Please? I — I want my mom.” She’s crying now and Nico can’t afford more panic.

So he tries to give her his best smile. It’s probably not convincing at all. He hasn’t been very convincing these days. “I’ll get someone to call her right away, I promise. Is her number in your cell phone?”

“Y-yes,” she answers quietly. One of the nurses holds out a phone — Holly’s — and he gives her the go ahead to call.

Schmitt walks in then. “Hey,” he says breathless, blood has already stained his yellow gown. He tears it off in one aggressive motion. Nico catches himself staring at Schmitt’s now bare arms. It probably explains the other doctor’s confused look as he asks him, “Do you need me?”

 _Yes_.

“No,” he says instead. “Abdomen is clear. We’re going to get her up for an MRI now.”

“Okay.” Schmitt moves to leave but pulls himself back into the room with a hand on the threshold of the door. “Nico, about earlier —”

_Damnit._

“It’s all good, dude.” He avoids looking at Schmitt now as he ensures the collar is snug and tight around Holly’s neck. Makes room for the MA to begin transport. But Nico can’t help himself.

He sneaks a glance at Schmitt anyway. He looks… nervous, hesitant, worried.

“I was just tired,” Nico ends up saying softly, offering Levi  _something_  because he doesn’t want Levi to look at him like how Shepherd does or talk to him like how Nadia did. He doesn’t want to be like Holly, terrified and lost, even if that’s exactly how he feels.

Levi pats the doorframe and nods. “Okay,” he says again, seeming somewhat relieved. Then disappears into the chaos of the trauma pit.

Nico lets out a breath and hates himself for a moment.

* * *

He knows what it is. Memorized the symptoms of the disease in med school, the tests used to diagnose it, and read a paper somewhere about the effects of a new immunosuppressant that was having positive effects on patients.

 _Patients_. Nico is the  _patient_  now.

“Phew, you’re right, “ Link whistles. “This is a wicked one.” Link’s looking at the Holly’s scans over Nico’s shoulder. He can feel Link’s cheeky expression and Shepherd’s disapproving frown next to him. And Nico’s staring at the screen, not really seeing it anymore. But Sullivan said Holly’s got what looks like compounded fractures and some displacement and Nico vaguely remembers confirming it with Shepherd. “Why’d you page me anyway? You forget how to read scans after your big relaxing vacay?”

“Link,” Shepherd says through her teeth. Nico wonders if they’re having another one of their little spats. The two have been on and off together since Hunt and Shepherd called it quits. Nico likes Amelia, reminds him of his sister a little bit. Sometimes too much.

“What?” Link asks with his hands. “Just sayin’, I taught him. He hasn’t paged me for consults since he became an attending. Now I page  _him._  Papa Link raised a good one, eh?”

“ _Doctor Lincoln._ ”

Link shuts up for real then. Looks at Shepherd with incredible confusion and back at Nico for answers.

Holly’s been taken to a pre-op bed and the empty MRI on the other side of the window emits this damning dooms-like feeling that Nico can’t stand.  

Nico lets out a breath. It’s getting hard to focus and he just wants out of this tiny room.

So he just says it: “I can’t operate.”

“What?!” Sullivan practically shouts from the corner. You’d think someone had cancelled his favourite TV show or run over his cat. On second thought, Nico remembers what it was like being an intern, desperate and hungry for surgeries and more surgeries. “I-I mean, um…” He trails off, gulping. Shepherd is probably giving him the death glare.

The lights to the MRI time out and turn off. The room is just a dark mass now.

“Yeah, Nico, what are you talking about? Of course you can.” A cautious chuckle and then a hand grips Nico’s shoulder but he shrugs it off before standing up, not looking at the other three people in the room.

“You got this?” Nico starts to gather his things. “Because I’d like to talk to Holly first before you guys do.”

“You’re serious. What’s going on?” Link searches for Nico’s gaze but he can’t look at him. Someone’s eaten something earlier and there’s crumbs on the table. “Did something happen, man?”

“Link, just —  _drop it._ ” Shepherd. Guess she hasn’t told Link after all. Now Nico will have to have this conversation with him too. Why couldn’t she have just told him?

“Amelia, do you know what’s going on?” Link turns to her and Nico takes the chance to step towards the door. Sullivan stands up to follow him but pivots when Link holds out a hand. “Nope,  _sit down_.”

The intern immediately plops back down in his chair.

“No, not  _you_.”

But Nico’s already out of the room. He faintly hears Sullivan asking if he’s still on Holly’s case or if he’s supposed to follow Nico. There’s some typical Link-Shepherd arguing and then Shepherd’s beside him, then in front which stops Nico in his attempt at escape.

She lets out a breath, like she had run to catch up to him and Nico realizes she must’ve because he’s already at the elevators.

“Hey,” she says, pushing some hair out of her face. Then settles with stuffing her hands in her lab coat pockets. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine,” he lies. He’s been doing that a lot lately. Nico moves to press the elevator button but Shepherd moves with him, blocking it. He looks at her with more frustration than he’s used to having but decides to dissipate it with a change in subject. “You should let Sullivan scrub in. He’s excited but knows how to observe quietly.”

She doesn’t take the bait. “How are you feeling?”

She asked him that this morning. And the day before. And the day before that.

It’s always: “Fine.”

“Okay.” She nods. Seems to be thinking of something to say or not to say, probably. He watches her though. Shepherd’s always been an open book so he’s prepared when she goes straight to something she probably shouldn’t be saying to him. “No. Nope. How can you be  _fine?_  Hell,  _I’m_  not fine and I’m not—”

She stops. Takes a look at Nico and stands up straighter and taller and sets her feet apart.

“Sorry,” she says again immediately. She’s still standing in front of the elevator button. “Link and I are a little on edge. He doesn’t know, by the way. I know you might’ve thought I’d tell him being his girlfriend for what, six years now? Six  _long_  years — but that’s not the point. I respect our doctor-patient relationship and our friendship in general, so he doesn’t know. And I’m not going to tell him.”

Nico inwardly sighs. Fuck, he doesn’t want to talk to Link about this.

“Okay,” he says instead.

She continues, seeming a little perplexed, “Anyway, I’m sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Since it’s your first day back and because of… everything.”

Normally, Nico might’ve said more, maybe thank her or reassure her he’ll talk to Link, but he just wants to  _go._  Somewhere. Anywhere, away from this. He goes with something he hopes cuts all of this short.

“I am.”

“Good.” She still doesn’t move and she’s still staring up at Nico, completely unafraid to look him in the eye. “Then why are you letting Link operate on Holly? You’re cleared for surgery.”

 _Because_.

Because Holly’s got bulging discs and canal narrowing with total obliteration of the CSF spaces. Because that’s an extremely delicate procedure that could leave her paraplegic. Because Nico had to talk her into lying still for the MRI and he knows how terrifying that thing is when you’ve got no idea what’s happening or why. Because three weeks ago, he was lying in the same hard plastic excuse of a bed with absolutely no vision in his right eye and his legs burning with an itch that was crawling up his hips like fire. And even though he’s fine  _now_ , legs back to normal and vision working, he’s still got — he’s still — he —

He must’ve taken too long to answer Shepherd because she’s talking again, “Nico, if you’re still experiencing symptoms from the last attack, you need to let your team know, okay? I know you’re seeing Dr. Lim now and she’s a great neurologist, but you can always come to me, too. Anytime. For anything.”

Maybe this is a dream. Or a joke. He wishes it was. He has never spoken to Amelia Shepherd outside of work all the years he’s worked at this hospital. Not even when Link and Shepherd would invite everyone for dinner parties at Meredith Grey’s house. He always declined, thinking it as a recipe for dramatics. Plus, he’d rather go to a club or drink at Joe’s. Hell, he’d rather  _sleep_  than make a fool of himself at dinner in front of all the people that owned the hospital.

So he can’t imagine coming to her for anything. Sure, her name was the only one he could think of when the ER doctor at Seattle Presbyterian asked if he had a family physician they could send his scans to. And sure, she was the one that advocated for him to Bailey about letting him come back to work and now he has to see an occupational therapist every week. And she checks up on him way more than necessary and sends him e-mails with links he never clicks. And, okay, she might’ve pulled a couple or more strings for him to make sure that he got “the best team” in Seattle and that was nice and all. But —

_Team._

As if it this was just a sport and winning is an option.

“Okay. Thanks.” He makes again for the elevator button but she doesn’t even waver. Link wasn’t kidding when he told Nico that Amelia Shepherd was the most stubborn woman he’s ever loved.

“You know I go to AA, right?”

“I don’t need to do that.” He says it a little too quickly judging from the slightly offended look on Shepherd’s face.

“Okay… you might not need to right now. But it’s an option. There are lots of support groups for people with MS.”

_People with —_

He almost flinches when she says it. Nico thinks she doesn’t notice. But her brows are furrowed now, even more than before.

She continues, quieter and more slowly, “You know, it helps me, going to AA. Helps me understand what the hell is going on with myself. Some days are harder than most. And I know that being an addict is different but, I think, having a support system is important no matter what the disease is called.”

Nico doesn’t say anything.

Her face softens, probably thinking she’s finally gotten through to him somehow. “Do you have that, Nico? Have you talked to anyone about this yet? Like,  _really_  talked.”

Maybe Nadia counts. But he doesn’t want to talk to anyone. He  _can’t_.

“Sure,” he lies, again.

He knows Shepherd doesn’t believe it. Hasn’t believed a thing he’s said since even before this conversation had begun.

But she finally gives in, steps to the side, and hits the elevator button for him. He’s surprised no one’s been wanting to use the elevator since she cornered him here. “You don’t have to talk to me, but you have to talk to someone.”

Then she hugs him, awkwardly and with a pat on the arm. She promises she’ll keep him updated on Holly and keep Link in line and leaves.

* * *

Nico watches from the gallery as Link and Shepherd work on Holly. There’s a nurse and another intern behind him watching too as Link slowly removes a broken fragment of the lamina. Amelia nods at him her approval while Sullivan’s off to the side, standing on his toes as he watches the procedure. Nico feels like the intern too as his hands itch with some sort of sad excitement. They’re whining at him for not being in there with Shepherd and for letting Link assist in such a delicate procedure.

 _Fuck._  He lets out a sigh as his back hits the chair and crosses his arms tight around himself. He should be down there,  _not_  Link. He can do it. He  _knows_  he can.

But what if he suddenly can’t see? What’s he supposed to do then? What if his legs suddenly give out on him and he nicks a nerve on the way down? Then Holly would be paraplegic and it would all be Nico’s fault.

_“MS can be unpredictable.”_

Dr. Lim’s words come barging into his brain the moment Link looks up to see him in the gallery. The other surgeon’s eyes give him a confusing concerned look.

 _Fuck_  is his new favourite word of the month.

“Is that your patient from earlier?”

Schmitt. He’s been appearing out of no where a lot today. He sits down beside Nico slowly and grunts, fatigue dripping off of him.

“Yeah,” Nico answers and notes Schmitt’s already changed out of his scrubs. His jacket’s got a hole in the sleeve and Nico thinks it’s the same jacket he’s worn since they met. Is anyone taking care of this guy, Nico wonders. Schmitt takes off his backpack almost begrudgingly since he has to turn around and haul the thing over himself and throws it on the floor. Another sigh and big stretch later and Nico’s laughing.

“What?” Schmitt asks and yawns immediately.  
  
Nico shakes his head and has to fight the fond urge to nudge at Schmitt’s foot. Or part that wavy hair that falls untidily over his forehead. The trauma surgeon is starting to resemble a sad starfish as he sinks lower in his seat.

“The rest of the day was that bad, huh?”

“It was stupid.” Schmitt yawns again. “Hey, why is Dr. Lincoln operating? I was wishing all day to see you down there.”

“That’s a weird thing to wish for.” Nico says with small smile. Schmitt shrugs and looks about ready to fall asleep. But he catches himself and turns to look up expectantly at Nico with groggy half-lidded eyes behind dirty smudged glasses. It’s endearing and for a moment, Nico finds himself not needing to make up something or lie. “I just thought Holly would have a better chance with Link operating.”

And that’s really the truth. It’s probably the most truthful he’s been all day.

“Hmm.” Schmitt seems to be pondering but doesn’t say more. Just yawns for what seems like the millionth time, turns back to watch the operation and melts deeper into his seat.

They sit like that for a while, in silence. Nico’s arms crossed and Levi’s legs stretched out and very close to Nico’s. He steals little glances at Levi and catches the few times the other man’s eyes fall close then open right back up again. Some fantastical part of Nico likes to believe Levi’s here to keep Nico company and a deep warmth inside of him spreads. Why else would Levi not go straight home to a bed after such a day? But Nico’s probably stretching reality like he does so often when it comes to things pertaining the other man.

Pretty soon they’re alone, the nurse and intern leaving quietly.

“I guess I did miss you.”

Levi had said it quietly but it felt plain and loud in the empty room and in that moment, Nico feels everything in chest stop working all at once.

Was he hearing things now? Is this another symptom?

But Levi’s sitting up, suddenly wide awake and watching Link and Shepherd below a little too intently, clearly embarrassed as he clears his throat. A pink flush travels down his neck. “I mean, I missed watching you operate. I used to come in here as an intern all the time and just watch you.”

Nico doesn’t say anything. A giddy, happy feeling grows around him as he imagines a younger Levi all those years ago, eager and not yet having realized his own potential, watching Nico.

How many times had Levi been there in the past with him? If only he had looked up.

He watches Levi now, nervous energy bouncing from the fingers that fiddle on the arm rest. Nico wants to take those hands and still them. Levi seems to decide on something and he looks at Nico fully, smiling that ever-constant wide smile of his.

“You’re an artist,” Levi confesses, so easily. “And you’re  _so_ good — in there. I’ve always wanted to be  _that_  good.”

Nico swears Levi’s eyes are shining, the way he’s looking at Nico, with undeserved admiration and softness. It sets something afire in him and breathing feels like a lot of work and air scarce.

And all those feelings he had had for Levi so long ago and probably all along come crashing down.

Why had he hesitated back then? Even now? What did he have to lose?

He was going to lose everything anyway, eventually.

Ah, and there it is. That ever-circling sadness that has been accompanying Nico for the past few weeks, creeping in again, like a snake biting into him. And Nico wants to kill it, violently and with finality. It’s not wanted here — not in this moment. He doesn’t want to think about having to give up his first surgery. Doesn’t want to think about how many more he’ll have to. Or if he’ll ever find the courage to operate again.

Or worse now, the day Levi’s wish can never come true.

And so maybe Nico shouldn’t refuse himself. Maybe he should just let himself feel this, have this. He’s held back for so long because of one thing or another. They’re only kidding themselves if they believed there wasn’t this exhilarating energy between them all these years. And perhaps Nico has actually been the one that’s been a little slow and a little dense to it all.

His breath leaves him as he stares back at Levi, who’s smiling at him still, so beautifully unashamed even with his messy hair and dark circles under his eyes. What right did he have saying those things to Nico?

Did he always know Nico would give anything to have Levi look at him like that even if Nico is just realizing this now?

Nico does manage to say something as the world around them falls still. He finds himself leaning in, his words barely a whisper and with a smile that he decides then and there belonged only to Levi, “But you are. You’re so good.”

He’d kiss Levi if he could. Wants to so bad.

 _Fuck it,_ he thinks. Time is limited.

So he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've done research but probably not enough so y'all who are more knowledgable than me, please come and put me in my place rofl!!!!!!
> 
> Translations and Acronyms:  
>  _eomma:_ mom  
>  _noona:_ big sister  
>  _MVA:_ multiple vehicle accident  
>  _MA:_ medical assistant  
> 


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